Time will Tell....

Wow...I don't even know where to begin...where to start...or where to end...
This is it guys...this is the last time we will see our face in that year book,
wear that graduation gown, or watch nelson make fun of the way Raoul says chocolates in class.
Let's talk about the fact that in 11 days..real life beigns...
Let's talk about our friends leaving all around the world, one last goodbye till we go separate ways...
And all the times you asked mom, Can you wake me up at 6? AND, dad i'll be home at 11 are just a washed out glimpse of life..now it's setting alarm after alarm because not even the loudest vibrate can wake me up the first time. I'm on mute right now, someone is talking threw the other end, but I just listen, because my future is all here, and I never thought I would be putting the crayons back in their box to put on the top shelf in the closet.
Let's talk about how this would be the best prom prank ever...yes girls im talking to you..wear these

under your prom dress and lift your dress a little while getting out of the car...now that would be a good moment :D but wait...it's too late for anymore prom pranks...that was 3 weeks ago.
Let's talk about that day, the day you first realized girls had cooties, and boys smelt bad....or the time you cried because mom dropped you off at school...the place you felt most lonely when those playground bullies beat you.
Let's talk about 7th grade...the time having 8 teachers was your biggest worry. 8th grade, the year you slacked off because 9th grade actually counts. 10th grade...walking the scary halls of high school pretending to fit in. 12th grade...the time you shattered your phone just to fix it and watch it shatter again. You finally realized you're a klutz, but it didn't help when you found out you had all this attendance school requirement crap to graduate...or the night you screamed in your moms arms because your friend took his life, and oh the things you wish you could've said! Let's talk about the time he broke your heart, and she broke your toe, and he broke your dreams.
Let's talk about now....Let's talk about this day, May 17th 2015, because this is history...I mean there will never be another May 17th, 2015, and this day made history..maybe not for you , but for me because it's my last blog post in high school. This is the last time I will ever say Time will tell, because time is now, and the telling is later.

pizza and puppets

 They  say being a teenager is just a small piece of life's pizza. They also say that pizza is something we can all enjoy if we choose to.  But what if I told you I don't like pepperonis on my pizza. I don't even like pizza sauce nor do I like all those veggies or  Bacon either. Rather, I'd eat a big bowl of pasta filled with chicken and creamy sauce and I still think about why being a teenager is so hard. I'm not good enough but apparently he is. I'll never be fit for a 4.0, or a full ride scholarship to yale instead a full ride scholarship to jail, wait no I'm not that kind of person.  I always promised myself I'll stay out of trouble, but  you told me to follow in your footsteps, and that's all I'm doing. I always looked up to you, but I think now you're looking up to me more. I didn't know how hard life's challenges  wrapped around your arms and carried you in,  but instead of fighting back you let those arms manipulate you and treat you like a puppet. I don't want my life to reflect on a string and have my arms waving helplessly, I don't want to be a puppet, I don't want to be you.

I pump blood for you

Nicole, why are you so indecisive? Yeah he broke your heart, yeah some people have taken advantage of you, but I'm still here and living. Your brain is telling you one thing, but follow your heart for once...I am the reason you're still alive you know. I pump thousands of gallons of blood through your body each day just so you can live to see tomorrow, so if there ever comes a time where you question why you're still here, just remember I'm still beating. Forget about heartbreak, forget about your mistakes, and remember...I'm still pumping. I feel your pain, I do, but I can't help you. You sit back and tell me I only have one job...pumping is all I'm good for so stop hurting worse stupid heart! this break up could have been better if you weren't here, but remember... I'm the reason you're alive, and the least you could do was not blame me for your feelings. Nicole, if you remember one thing, just remember I'm here rooting for you when no one else is. Don't give up, we can work through everything together, and your life is a race I'm just trying to keep up with it. That's why I keep you alive longer and longer each day. that's why I pump the blood for you.

hands shaking, but my feet are still.

My hands are shaking, but my feet are still.

blood runs cold down my face from all the broken glass.

And I'm still, still taking breaths in, out, in, out. 

They shove me on a train, split me from my life, my family, and all I can think about is the blood running down my face. 

My world is spinning, but my head is spinning faster. things are chaos, and all I can hear is my dear family crying my name until a quenching silence only distances their echoes. 

Standing against the quaking wood walls, watching my breath freeze before me noticing that my hands are still shaking, but my feet aren't moving. They are still. They are still...and just for a split second..I can see what heaven looks like..still as my feet in this deep dark world..

RIP HOLOCAUST VICTIMS❤️

It's more than a pretty face..

This isn't much poetry, but more like a chapter in my story book that I will always remember....

I remember the first time I realized what being "pretty" really meant. I was always a blonde haired, white eyebrowed, freckled, sunburnt child. I was not a what the world would describe a cute kid as...Infact, I was the complete opposite and found myself outside more playing on hay bales and feeding horses than prancing around with my Barbies. 

It was just like any shopping day, mom went to get groceries, and I was looking for ring pops at the check stand...I remember spotting This magazine blocking my view with a Barbie girl..or at least she looked like her and all I could think about was Barbie is a real person. Flipping page by page, I was bombarded with fake after fake but beautiful...beautiful in a deceitful way but of course I was too young to understand. I remember it was then, the first time I noticed myself as not pretty, that I need makeup, I need nails, tan skin, long hair and eyelashes and straight teeth and skinny but not Boney..At age 7 only 7. Everyday I looked in the mirror, more and more disappointed than the last. I will never be accepted as attractive in this society. Growing up with pretty friends took a toll on my self esteem. I have crooked teeth, I'm not tall, I'm too fat, zit here, scar there, and worst of all, Guys came to me to get my friends numbers.

10 years later, I am that same girl, that same girl with a new story. My story is this...one you have all heard before that taught me a great lesson. Looks are just part of you, but your heart makes up all of you. A pretty face doesn't give you success, but hard work does. Being on the front page of a magazine doesn't buy you beauty, but a kind heart does. And in the end we will all be old and wrinkly, so don't worry Nicole, don't worry that you aren't on 17's magazine because remember, you're more important than you think you are.

Worn Out Soles

You walked every step, up every hill, and over every rock.
You got wet, you got torn, you got dirty.

You wore tired, no you tattooed tired all over you, so did I.
I replaced you. I replaced you because you were falling apart. I sat you on a shelf one, two, ten, fifty years.
You got dusty, I grew old.
I couldn't walk anymore. The feet you once covered were unstable and paralyzed.
My soul was weary. Your sole was broken.
I remember the day you laughed at me and said now we are the same. Now you are just like me, and we will never move again, but then I remember when we did walk every step,
When we climbed every hill, and over every rock.
And I remember when you were always looking up at me, never down because the ground was only there to catch us if we fell.

 

MOviNg On a ClouD

The music is deafening, The crowd is rumbling, and the bleachers are bouncing.
 My blood is pumping and my horse gets antsy.
Up next is Nicole Rindlisbacher, and all I can hear is my horse's heartbeat. I close my eyes and steadily lean forward.
I burst through the gates and push upward. The crowd is cheering, we get around first barrel.
 Kick, kick, kick, we are off to the 2cd.
All clear, I kiss at her towards third.
We spin around it and leave it all behind as we gallop tossing dirt behind us leaving no room for mistakes. It felt like slow motion as we ran, every muscle underneath reaching, breath by breath, I was moving on a cloud.
I passed the Finnish line, trying to catch my breath...her trying to slow down and all at once I heard my name announced as the new fastest time of the night. I couldn't believe it!!
My little red horse beat the impossible. No one thought she had it in her, no one thought she could beat all those tall, highly ranked champions, but she did. She proved them all wrong, and that's the night our journey began.
That night, my little red horse made history, and showed me that it's not about how big you are, but how big your heart is. 

One More Confession....

Dear shadow...

Dear shadow,
You follow me step by step through happiness and sorrow.
        You see my lowest moments, the ones im in my darkest place, but you also see the most brilliant glimpses of life.

You know my deepest secrets...and I know yours.

              You are my enemy at night, and my hero in the light.
I seep through the walls of everlasting failure, hope, and future to succeed to my very best...proving those who wronged me. proving those who gave up on me, and you were there each day by my side.

                               Dear shadow,
  You were there that night my uncle shot himself, and the day I watched my grandma take her last breath. You were there when I got cut from that team, watched those dumb YouTube videos for hours....
                         when I got my braces off and that dang dentist cut me up with that drill. You were there when I got that job interview, watched my heart get broken, go to that dance party, and oh boy, how you showed me the dance moves.                                                    You were there when I took my first steps, and when I will take my last.

You were there when no one else was...when no one else was. You are my shadow.

 

What makes you afraid?....

                                                             CROWDS

 

 

 

CIty Lights

The dimness of a blurred window, and the sound of a million papers clashing.

   The city is a place of brilliance and opposition, but it's a vision of blur.

 

 The streets are lined with glowing balls of light mixed with the smog of pollution. The people all scatter in their own direction, left, right, straight, but I stand there still as a wall, Still as a brick wall like a shadow in the mist. I am invisible, invisible to the world and in my small moment, everything is moving around me yet I am subtle. The city lights glow around me, and I am in a new dimension. A place of new opportunity and life. A new world, and this world I like to call New York City.

Dark things

I'm afraid of the black mist suffocating my airway every time I see you. I'm afraid of the secrets you keep, they eat you alive. I'm afraid to see you with her, she will turn you into a squished bug with no way to turn back. I'm afraid to see the world change around me, I don't like change. I am afraid of the smoke I run through, the smoke you chased me through. I am afraid of the future..so much can change in a month, and like I said, change is fear. I am afraid of dark things, I am afraid of dark things, but most of all, I am afraid of not being with you.

The Maze...

My point is simple,
My point is blunt...
Life is just a maze....Just a maze they say....but it's more than that.
Life is a narrow road with dead ends telling us to turn around even though we came all that way to find emptiness and hurt. We walk the path of trials, sorrow, laughter, hate, and happiness only to find out what life really is, where there is no more dead ends, but a road that leads on forever.

Life is holding your baby girl for the first time.

Life is giving money to the guy sitting on the edge of the street.

Life is experiencing parent hood.

Life is watching war and death.

Life is giving someone a hug.

Life is living, and living is now.

Reasons to be happy:)

Living in America...(Say it in the accent)
       CHOCOLATE
Living in 2015
  Doctors...even though I hate them sometimes
showers
Ruchti's voice
   SpongeBob
School dances...as long as they aren't playing party in the USA
Braces
Sleeping in
   Weekends
GOD
            My dysfunctional family...oh how I love them
friends who care
   Teachers...Or I guess you could just say Nelson:)
Movies
    Shark Tank
animals
   a nice tan
But ultimately...to be happy is to surround yourself with people who make you happy.

Day by Day

"Hey Tirk!!, since the juniors are taking the ACT Tuesday, we are all going to hang out, maybe get sushi, and go to Lowes!"

Terik: "That sounds so fun! I forget we don't have to come to school...What a relief, but yea, i'll see if I can get work off to come."

It was like any normal day. The sun was shining, classes were going, and the world around us was spinning...He walked away and went to class, as did I....as did I.

I walk pass that same hallway by the gym at lunch, expecting to see him there with a big smile sitting under that same turquoise locker...someone I can vent to, someone who will listen, someone who will simply tell me everything is ok....I wait, I wait...And yet...I'm still waiting.

How To be Popular

HoW TO be PopULaR..
First of all, what is POPULAR...it's about that hot cheerleader who dates the quarter back star.....and together they are nominated as prom queen and king...Wait, It's about that one girl who every guy drools over, or the body building boy who can bench 230 pounds without a sweat.....

OK....IM JUST DONE WITH THIS STERIOTYPICAL "POPULAR CRAP"....What about the kids who do good for everyone...who smile to everyone in the hallway, or who go and talk to that person sitting alone in that blank hallway...Why are they not recognized as "POPULAR"...Just because they aren't #1 on a sport's team...Or they didn't get a 25 on their ACT....Why are they looked at as Someone who doesn't matter on the announcements...They are the one's who
1. lift people up,
2. give people a friend,
3. listen to your problems,
4. do acts of service anonymously...
Isn't that what being POPULAR is all about?... Why is the looks, the grades, the achievements, the style everything to people these days...Life is more than fake eyelashes and the iPhone 6...or that brand new BMW you got for your 16th birthday...Your looks, style, and popularity only lasts a few years...but your service to others and actions will last for a lifetime. Remember....one day we will all become old and wrinkly, and we will look back on our lives and wonder what people will remember us by.

Regrets..

My list is incomprehensible, and I am only 17. Well 17+17= 2ce as many regrets as I have now. I'm no mathematician, but I can count my regrets...each with its own definition.
IF ONLY I COULD COUNT THEM ON ONE HAND BUT...
I regret eating that chocolate cake...there blows my diet
I regret watching that satanic movie..now I will never sleep again
I regret not asking that boy to the dance...My chance is over
I regret texting you all night...now I slept through church and got in trouble
I regret sluffing that class...Attendance school is my new best friend
I regret hitting that cat..but he ran out in front of me
I regret not giving you a chance..maybe you were my future
I regret not giving my brother a birthday present..maybe that was his last
I regret telling you my deepest secrets...how much do I trust you?
I regret leaving mad...I never got the chance to apologize..........
Oh wait that's only 10...but in my heart...I can name 10x1000.
STOP LIVING with the WHAT IF'S or the IF THEN's...the only regret you want to have when you die is that time you didn't eat that candy bar when an apple was your better option..maybe that doesn't even make sense, but

 

#Brickheads

A Brickhead...

They will almost certainly laugh too often, in order to cover the tracks of any jokes that they might not get.
The idea basically being that they have a brick/cement head and therefore no brain.

Brickheads are the best kind of people...so full of life, and high off of laughter as they spread their contagious smile. For one day, forget about all your problems, stresses, regrets,
...............................................................and just be a #brickhead for once...because like they say, Life is better when you're laughing. :)

Sharp things

Needles...well obviously
Nelson's head
My middle fingernail
puppies teeth
glass
wire hanger
pencil
cactus
Vampire fangs
Peanut butter
My words
Spikey dog collar
dart
puffer fish
A rose is beautiful, but it can be deceiving..touch the stem and you'll see why
fish hook
knife
leg hairs

Mending A Broken Heart

Love is a weapon. It can either make, or break you.
Telling yourself you love him, but watching him kiss another girl, wait
1, 2, 3 girls later....but you still love him. You watch him write songs for other girls, yet
you still remember that one song he wrote to you...the one about love, and how it never fails
when you want it to last. Your heart aches as he passes you in the hall, that awkward moment
when saying hi is too much, the feeling of disappointment when flash backs of your last kiss
cage in your head. You still love him...but you have to let go.

what if.....

What if we are all living within a dream?
What if god didn't exist?
What if our own government was planning war against us?
What if chocolate was really a drug?
What if school went only to 5th grade?
What if we couldn't feel pain?
What if Nelson was my brother?
What if there were no dentist?
What if I changed my gender?
What if I supported gay marriage?
What if I stole money from my dads bank account?
What if I told you I have been arrested?
What if religion didn't exist?
What if I married my high school sweetheart?
What if I told you I have been raped?
What if McDonalds went out of business?
What if Aliens exist?
What if earth crashed into the sun?
What if there were never cops?
What if dinosaurs are still alive on an undiscovered island?
What if I told you I was dating a 30 year old?
What if pigs could fly?
What if some of these things I told you were true....would you believe me? Well, don't believe everything you hear. There are always 3 sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.

Stop Being Perfect

For one day, stop being so normal. Stop showing everyone you really care about what they ate for breakfast, or who they are going on a date with Friday. Who cares? The sad truth is, we show people only the good side to prove we are no different than them.
What ever happened to the you that use to dress up in your momma's clothes and high heals?
The you who use to be bullied, and now are the bully?
The you who use to eat pizza for breakfast, but now won't even eat breakfast...

What ever happened to the you who likes to make their own opinion, or shout their belief statement. Stop falling into the traps of the ongoing everyday routine. Be your own kind of unique. We are not ROBOTS who are programmed to be one way everyday, we are individuals who will all end up in the same place, but will take different roads getting there.

oh darling don't you ever grow up

 

I am 5 again. I don't understand a single math equation, but I get excited to add 4+1. My little hands can hardly grip the doorknob to open our car door. I get so excited on  Christmas morning and wake up Mommy and Daddy because Santa came last night. I love imagining my life as a famous person, and practice my autograph so it's perfect when i'm old. I love lemonade stands, and would rather eat mud than take a nap during the day. Daytime is for play time. There is no time to sleep when you're young.

Lesson #7

Lesson #7...Never and when I say never I mean never ever text while backing up. I learned that lesson the hard way....hitting my moms parked car definitely took some talent when one is not even moving. Why is texting and driving illegal? Well, now I know. I figured out I can't multitask even if it's the smallest of things. I can't even think straight half the time and get sidetracked when people talk to me. I promise, I'm a good listener, only when the subject is interesting. If you tell me about your day, chances are I will get lost in a gaze of dreams I wish to come true. You will loose me by mid first sentence. See as we speak I'm already sidetracked...we started with don't text and drive, and end with day dreams. I am in my own daze right now. Maybe I should just stop typing...
                                            ok, bye.

 

Oh..And you're probably wondering what this picture has to do with anything?? Well it has everything to do with anything...this is the exact essence of a day dream...wouldn't you say so?

My Undecisive Self

They feel sad, They feel lonely, Depressed, afraid....They express their soul. Every ambition, dream, lie, becomes their reality. How well do people really know me? All they see if my "happy" wanna please my family, friends, enemies' side. Do they know that once upon a time my dad held a gun to his head and was about to leave his family fatherless, his wife widowed?  Do they know I have a gay brother who is judged beyond measure, but without thinking twice shows love to those who despise him? Do they know 4 out of my 8 siblings are Alcoholic drinkers, late night party hookers? Do they know I was sexually abused as a child? No, no they don't. They will never know the true me. We only see what is on the outside. Try looking beyond that you see, past the looks, past the flaws, and in ones true self. I can not please everyone, but I can try to please myself. To accept what has happened and face reality. I can not change those around me, but I can always be the change.